The other day, I wrote about the meaning of solitude and what it means from a heroic standpoint. In the present, there are times when there arises this void out of the center of my being that no human, in my personal experience, can truly fill. There is an emptiness that, no matter where I go, what I do, or whom I dwell among, continues to float around. Some of the basic social necessities have been denied me as I’ve grown. There are options, advice granted by others, but there is only so much that an object of advice rooted in the giver’s personal life experiences can do for someone walking a different path. After all, everyone’s path differs from each other.
I am but a single man in this world, not just in the sense that I have no significant other to call my own, but in the sense that I am an island. To some, it could be said that my personal views do not necessarily reflect the perception of most people; even to this day, I find myself surprised at these revelations. With every day that passes, I wonder how Jamilson Planet appears to traveling Earthlings; to this day, I remain oblivious to what it is about the floating sphere that causes so many to view it the way that they do, or even to simply pass by without so much as a fleeting thought.
There are some, I’m sure, that adore, respect, and revere me; there are many more that either despise or disregard me as just another odd individual. It is simple to pivot back to the old adage that family is all I have, that they truly understand me, and that they are all I need. But if that were simply the case, many questions wouldn’t be left unanswered the way they are. I can see myself in the back of an Uber in Paris again, finally allowing my body to rest a bit before retiring for the evening; the day’s events being as occupying as they were, to be home alone at the end of it all would be a much-needed repose. But life in the United States is a different story, it seems.
It is all so confusing for me. I don’t have all of the answers. As a matter of fact, I know I don’t even have most of the questions. That last part reminds me of my first year in law school with finals just around the corner. I am still only 25 years old, somewhat sure of my destiny yet confused about some of the ancillary elements of my life. Socially speaking, I still find myself lost in a sea full of other human beings. Perhaps it was the environment I was raised in; there was love, but there was something missing. A sense of knowledge of modern culture as it was meant to be investigated and understood. How can a child teach himself that which should be taught to him? Where would he begin with no prior training? What questions should he ask in order to grow?
No one is perfect; I certainly don’t claim to be. I know I have high standards for myself and for others, and my emotional development has created an atmosphere of aloofness that I have been told drives others away. Maybe that is the case, maybe it isn’t. Everyone is different, and I have no idea where I fit along the spectrum. There’s a certain balance that I have never been able to find: History has shown that, in many situations, I was found to be too “saved” for the sinners, yet too “savage” for the angels. On a more positive side, I was found to be what some described as a “social butterfly,” meaning I was not beholden to any one group or class of people. I am not too sure what implications that might have, but culture certainly plays a part.
What happens next? I really have no idea. What I do know is that sometimes solitude is beneficial, but there are times when the need for human interaction trumps even good sense. We all deserve that. No man should have to be alone, whether because of personal convictions, timing, or personality. Everyone should have somebody to turn to when things get strange. We all need these things. I am a man that asks for little, but thinks a lot. Perhaps these thoughts devolve into overthinking, causing me to hyper-analyze otherwise-mundane situations. Maybe we’ll save those particular thoughts for another time. There will certainly be more to come in the future.
Until then, there is a beach somewhere in the Pacific with my mind’s name on it…
Happy New Year, everyone.
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